beckybearhug

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 03:26:06 GMT

"Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves."

Christmas List

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 18:47:31 GMT

Forever 21 - $5.80 - I'm unsure whether I'd need a Medium or a Large

Forever 21 - $5.80 - Medium or Large

American Apparel - $38 - Large in Lavender

Small

Fruity tea from Teavana

indie coloring book

It's all moving up from here

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 04:36:53 GMT

I just like to hang out. Even though I can respect others decisions to not do illegal things or whatever, I do not want you to criticize me for my decisions. I can do whatever I want. I know people only care or whatever. But still, if my decisions do not get in the way of my personality or relationships, you being against it shouldn't either. I am no different than I was a year ago. I am still me no matter what I am putting into my body.
But let's just put it out there that some people can be completely idiotic about these decisions. I am not. I am responsible. Okay, I get it, you think these decisions themselves are irresponsible but let's figure this out. If I were 21, would you still have an issue with it? Why don't you criticize all those 21+ people who get wasted every other day and can't remember what they've done in the past 24 hours. My age means nothing to me so, it shouldn't mean anything to you either. I am handling this much better than people my own age and those older than me. Not everyone but, a good amount.
So for the record, I'm happy with what I'm doing, what I'm being given the opportunity to do, the decisions I'm making, and the decisions I will make in the future.

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 01:55:00 GMT

Every time you get grounded I get upset. Because I know you have spent so much more time with her. And I know even though you're grounded, you find ways to spend more time with her. But you don't find ways to spend time with me, who is always willing to hang out. Also, even if you don't get grounded for doing illegal things, I know you're doing enough illegal things that you deserve to get grounded for. There are so many things I need to tell you. My other friend thinks I'm ruining my life, she feels the way I feel about you. It's funny, but I think I'm going to start getting into doing more things... a year later. Although we'll never leave each other, we have had way too many temporary lapses in our friendship. I do not want this. I just want to be your friend again. That's all I've wanted for the past year, but you're impossible.
I love you.

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 04:06:42 GMT

I'm a senior. No, school hasn't started yet but this is it. I don't care if everyone else isn't excited or is scared to leave. I'm so damn ready. No, I don't hate my home or my family. I'm just ready, I've been ready for so long. Maybe it'll hit me differently when graduation roles along (May 17th, 2010) but as for now, I'm so anxious. I have quite the school year ahead of me. A lot of tough classes and some easy ones. And to think I still haven't done any of my summer work yet, still lazy guys. Since my brother decided to help me decide on what I want to do/ what college I want to go to, it looks like I might very well end up with him at RPI. I wouldn't hate that but it just doesn't feel right to me. I thought I'd have to really good gut-feeling about the college I decided on and just be really pleased about the whole things but, this doesn't feel right. Once again, maybe I'll feel differently later on.
Maybe.

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 11:54:07 GMT

I have some serious things to say about how I am crazy, have OCD, and am utterly terrified of change (which includes commitment). Honestly, I don't feel like any of these things have destroyed my life or even weakened my personality one bit but I'm starting to think others think differently. Yes, I'm sabotaging this "relationship" we have. I know, I know. But I'm scared. I've always been scared. You know I've always been scared. I can never describe why I feel the way I do but, that's just the way I am. I don't even know what else to say or, how to make things better. I know what you want but, I am incapable of giving it to you. I could sound so much more angry but, I'm not. I'm just empty and have nothing to say to you.
Alright.

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 19:53:50 GMT

Another summer update:
Dyed my hair blond!
Spent time with my best friend.
Had many pictures taken of me.
Played lacrosse with Hon outside of practice.

I'm going to a temple today so that can be added to the list as well I suppose.
Things I haven't done:
Read.
Fixed my bike.
Make bank.

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 01:20:57 GMT

I'm so tired of this. IS IT NOT OBVIOUS THAT I'M NOT LIKE THIS?! It's obvious to me. I'm so frustrated and upset. I don't understand why people take low-blows when fighting. What the shit is that about?

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 18:29:35 GMT

Despite the fact I got this (http://beckybearhug.tumblr.com/), I'll most likely still post everything meaningful here. Because I loveeee my livejournal. [:
Alright, there won't be much to say throughout summer anyway.

Do work

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 23:28:46 GMT

Let's get serious, no one likes work. Sometimes though, I really love spending time at work. Sometimes, the people are real funny and just a pleasure to be around. I mean, we all hate it there and we all go through the same things. Also, we all love to complain about our below-par coworkers. We're all just people in similar situations so we can all hang out. It's crazy how that works and how I will always love some of the people I have/do work with.
Plus lately, I've been working three days a week which means I'm making bank. Great because I have to pay my mom for all the car insurance that I haven't paid in months. I paid off my Lollapalooza ticket!
I have my best friend back.

Things are looking really, really great.

Things that I've done

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 05:14:06 GMT

So far this summer:
Spent time with my best friend & spent that time outside
Thrifting
Seen many movies
Gone out to eat multiple times
Gone to Chicago/ the Art Institute
Made money

good advice

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 03:01:53 GMT

Hello little boys, little toys

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 06:28:33 GMT

Boys are so cute. It's so nice when they go out of their way to try and talk to you. Even though throughout the entire conversation, I know they're trying to holler. It's just so flattering. So even if I'm not interested, I'll continue talking. I don't see any harm in it if I warn them that I'm bad news beforehand. It's their choice, not mine.

Soothsayer

Fri, 29 May 2009 19:44:22 GMT

I think the more I listen, the better I realize The Mars Volta is. I really need to start downloading and listening to new, great music. It's been a while since I heard something that really blew my mind.
Anyway, my entire weekend (starting today) is only going to consist of working and sleeping. How very, very uneventful. Supposedly I'm going to Chicago with my brother, his girlfriend and, his friends on Monday. So that should be reasonably exciting. I just want to do as much as possible before I've started summer school.
Current things to start: Working out, Summer reading books.

Thu, 28 May 2009 02:19:18 GMT

We all use 'growing up' as our excuse as to why we do illegal things. I guess things are illegal for a reason but, some things are so much fun. I wish I could be reckless without being illegal or harming my body. I mean, I know it's possible I just don't know how to follow through with my desires. Seriously guys, I want to try new things this summer and I want to spend lots of time with lots of exciting people. I guess it's about time I make a to do list that I will constantly be updating.

Summer 2009:
-Thrifting (especially in Chicago)
-Visiting Chicago as often as possible
-Picnics in forests/fields
-Pimp my bike, leading to many bike rides
-Road Trip, no matter how close the destination
-Camp out in my car with a friend
-Many beach visits, both the Dunes and Chicago beaches
-Breakfast once a month (at least) with Hon, this is one of many goals we have this summer
-Don't waste every single day of summer sitting around being lazy
-Be creative, as in paint or something often
-Spend time with people that I've been meaning to spend more time with
-Look really nice all the time
-Dye my hair blond, finally
-Take many pictures to remember this summer forever
-Spend as much time as possible outside

Empty Apartment

Wed, 27 May 2009 03:49:14 GMT

I always get so pissed when people don't update their blogs religiously but then I realized that I don't do that either.
I haven't talked about a big issue currently going on in my life but, I guess it's about time I say a little something about it.
I lost my best friend to a drug. Okay Jessica, I know you don't know this but I don't refer to you as my friend Jes, my bestfriend Jes, or even just my bestfriend. In conversation I only refer to you as my "stoner best friend." Seriously. I remember at one point I said my "ex-stoner best friend" but we all know that didn't last long. That's the way I deal with my frustration, being a dick about things. I honestly can't help it. I talked to Hon in-depth about this situation and I just kept saying, "I'm not mad, I swear, I'm just so hurt... so very, very hurt." It's hard to even explain what happened because I'm not really even sure. I just know that she started hitting it again, hard. Despite the fact that I'm completely aware of the fact that people are constantly changing, I refuse to accept this. One person should not change that much in one month. The beginning month is what I'm referring to. Although that didn't change our friendship then, WE DIDN'T TALK. In case you forgot, what happened recently was exactly what happened in the beginning. I'm sorry I'm not as 'exciting' as your other friends but, I would never want to be like that. I just always thought we could still be friends through all of this and you would keep that part of your life separate from our friendship, I guess that's what happened and since it was your entire life our friendship temporarily didn't exist. I always sided with Chris because he had your best interests in mind. The thing that really gets me though is that you would quit for him in a heartbeat but months of me trying to get you to stop didn't even phase you. Your first love has a greater affect over you than your best friend of six years. But once again, not angry just hurt.
You're completely right, I'm so disappointed. I don't want to change who you are, I just want my best friend back. I don't even know what else to talk to you about anymore because that's all you've been doing for months on end and I can't relate to that. I don't want to get fucked up on the beach; I just want to walk around on the beach and take pictures with my best friend. I don't want to burn cruise; I just want to cruise around town listening to sweet indie music with my best friend. I don't want to sneak around my best friend's room and blow smoke out the window; I want to sit on my best friend's bed and watch cute little films. Most of all, I don't want to have an inconsistent friendship with my best friend but, I want to be my best friend's world again.

Today's Tom Sawyer

Wed, 20 May 2009 03:17:29 GMT

I started writing this blog but livejournal was stupid and deleted it. It pretty much discussed about how terrible I am at casual conversation and how, Erik is the one who made me realize that. It's only because he's the only friend I see often but never REALLY talk to. I'm just so bad at trying to think of something good to say in the 15 seconds I see a person so, sorry in advance. I still love you all as friends no matter how disinterested I seem.
Colorado in less than 24 hours. I'm so excited to get away and really enjoy myself. I've been needing that. Also, I am so serious about this whole hanging out thing. I realize I always have to make plans because typically when someone asks me to do something I'm either working or busy or just too lazy to make an effort to see them. My bad, I know. So I've made a promise to myself to start planning more hang out time with everyone. IT IS TIME!

On another note,

Sat, 16 May 2009 20:05:20 GMT

I was considering starting Round 2. Maybe I'll be completely successful this time.

Summer Skin

Sat, 16 May 2009 19:57:14 GMT

I have so many plans for the summer but I know I'm going to end up not wanting to do anything most of the time. It's not even here yet and I miss it. I know I'll end summer wishing I could have it all back. The warm air, the friends, the music, the lack of clothing. I want it all. I want to go to the beach all the time too and take pictures and be around people who know how to have a good time. I actually want to have nice WHOLESOME hangout times. I don't want to be let down by my friends. I guess I'll just make a note to start initiating hangout time from now on. Try not to find me too pushy guys.

I am a Pirate, You are a Princess

Tue, 05 May 2009 02:42:45 GMT

I'm angry, I'm just so angry. More than anything though, I'm hurt. I haven't felt this bad since 7th grade and at that time I cried so hard. I feel like I have no control over this and there's nothing I could do to make it better. I also won't specifically confront the situation because it can't be solved. I'll just complain to someone else and try to heal the wound. I hope you know, I just hope you are aware. Aware of the fact that I am so fucking hurt right now. So fucking hurt.

Mon, 04 May 2009 00:21:08 GMT

This is how I felt in 7th grade when I had to decide between two of you. Except the roles are reversed this time.

My Strange Uncles From Abroad

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 02:20:38 GMT

We've all been busy, really busy. I've been procrastinating, really procrastinating.
I just keep counting down.. two more weeks and I'm done, I won't care about any more school-related things. Then I'm going to Colorado. I miss that part of my family. It'll be so nice to get away and breath that fresh, mountain air. Seriously.
I keep forgetting that summer school has the ability to ruin my summer. Also, I have no money because I'm never working which means I can't buy gas which means I can't go anywhere.
I got a Saturday detention for showing mid-drift, I guess I'm a slut all of a sudden.
Finally, I'm getting inducted into the National Honors Society tomorrow night. Hooray to being rewarded for being a slacker, I'm so proud of myself.

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 01:53:29 GMT

I thought it was about time I mentioned this discussion I had with Erik. Despite the fact that he didn't say much about it, he said something I had never thought about before. Me: We don't care anything. Erik: That's the thing, we do care, just about different things. It's the kids who care about nothing who are fucking up their lives.
That's really the best point I have ever heard anyone make. Mostly because it meant a lot to me personally. All these years I've been told that I don't care about anything and I've went along with that idea. But see, I do care. I don't care about all that meaningless drama and stuff but, I do care about being safe and having fun and having a good life. Those are important things that a lot of people don't actually care about.
That's really all I had to say, my life has changed a bit I suppose.

Love, don't cry

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 01:16:40 GMT

For some reason I felt it was necessary to talk about how emotional I am. I also feel it necessary to mention that I have one of those bursting feelings again. Love means nothing to me, unless it's the kind of non-romantic love that is a big part of my life. I'm one of those girls who get angry at the idea of teenage love and people (and myself) will always say "maybe it's just because you haven't experienced it yet." You're so right guys, you're so right. It's just because I'm never top priority. Even when they do feel any sort of attraction to me, I blow them off because I'm scared. That's all it comes down to. My girl-oriented, heart-bursting emotions have never overcome my emotion of fear. Maybe the shortness of breath is caused by this fear and not because of lust. Maybe. Or maybe I just can't stand the fact that I really want to have a companion, someone to kick it with. That's all I want. I don't want someone to take control of my emotions and my mind and be a person that I cannot survive unless I'm with every second of the day. I just want someone to kick it with.
I have so much more to say but, I can't. I cannot put my thoughts into words and ramble all day about this inconvenience brought upon my heart.

Wishful Thinking

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 18:48:31 GMT

I keep wanting to say something but, I can't think of anything. It's spring break and, I'm getting out as much as I possibly can. I'll drive anywhere with anyone as long as it leads me to a good time. Sitting in a car looking for something to do seems somewhat better than sitting at my home looking for something to do. I'm anxious to have good times and I really wish it were warm so that I could start going to the beach. Oh yeah, I'll take you all to the beach too.